NO MEN BEYOND THIS POINT: Five Fave Mockumentaries

Look at all of those moustaches!

Have you seen No Men Beyond This Point? No? Well, the good news is that there is one more screening.

It's a mockumentary about asexual women and a dwindling population of men, directed by Mark Sawers. As such, it nestles snugly into the great pantheon of mockumentaries. Here are five more of our faves.

Man with a movie camera.

David Holzman's Diary, 1967
This is quite possibly the first mockumentary. It stars L.M. Kit Carson as David and tells the autobiographical story of a filmmaker who wishes to document his life, love interest (played by a pre-The Exorcist Eileen Dietz), as well as his fears about being drafted into the Vietnam War. It's so underplayed that viewers frequently don't even realize the fictional conceit until the very last scenes.

Derek Smalls tries to get a novelty pencil past airport security.

This Is Spinal Tap, 1984
Perhaps the most well-known and most beloved of all mockumentaries, this Rob Reiner film follows the titular band on an odyssey that involves cold sores, shit sandwiches, the little people of Stonehenge, amps that go to 11, and exploding drummers. As if we didn't already know this is a perfect film, the Library of Congress selected the film for preservation in 2002 for it cultural, historical, and aesthetic significance.

I guess they'll never know how a young heart really feels.

Best In Show, 2000
Perhaps inspired by This Is Spinal Tap, Christopher Guest (a.k.a. Nigel Tufnel) wrote, directed, and acted in this parody of the crazy, cutthroat world of dog show competitions. Michael McKean also appears as the flamboyant Stefan Vanderhoof, while Guest provides a hilarious, low-key performance as Harlan Pepper. Never forget that Pine nut is a nut, but it's also the name of a town.

Contemplating a business plan for Frankie Wilde Hummus.

It's All Gone Pete Tong, 2004
This Canadian film (which played at the Festival) is named after Cockney rhyming slang for "it's all gone wrong" and had me fooled into thinking that Frankie Wilde was a real person. Starring the delightfully zany Paul Kaye (a.k.a. Dennis Pennis from The Sunday Show) as Wilde, the film explores what happens to a BBC Radio 1 DJ when he loses his hearing and was filmed entirely in Ibiza, the natural habitat of all truly world class DJs.

"Hello ladies."

What We Do In The Shadows, 2014
This Midnight Madness Peoples Choice Award winner from last year was my favorite movie of 2014, even beating out Godzilla (as much as I love that giant lizard, it's hard to beat bat fights and "that guy from Twilight," come on). A remarkable, improvisational collaboration between Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement, it spoofs every vampire cliché imaginable (and a few that no one had yet thought of) and is genuinely, gut-bustingly hilarious and a little bit creepy (thanks to Petyr).

NO MEN BEYOND THIS POINT FINAL SCREENING:
Sat. Sept 19, 9:30PM SCOTIABANK 10

Fashions of Vanguard '14

We really need to get Evan from Spring some new clothes. 

We really need to get you some  new clothes.

Evan from Spring has just the one outfit and he wants to look nice for his new cthonically ancient special lady. We have some advice for him--and for you, if you want to look good red carping and at the Preëms, as the fanciest of festival-goers say. Fortunately, we have a variety of looks from the Vanguard programme films this year... and even a few from the Midnight Madness movies!

Ryan Reynolds suggests this inspirational shirt.

(Ryan Reynolds? Ryan Reynolds, man.)

There's always the elusive beauty of the semi-imaginary moth boy.

Pro tip: Wooden fingers are so hot this year!

  

Mesh tank tops and leather pants are back! (Not that they ever really went away…)

The fashionable lepidopterist always wears stocking and heels and sometimes hats, gloves, and capes, when the weather calls for it.

The gloves and capes make for a classic look. Of course, sometimes you might want something more classically mad science. Consider a long gown and bandages.

Or perhaps just a mask. Masks are very on trend this year.

The mud and touches of moss really bring the look together.

Or if you want your face to show, you can do a bold eye liner and a bold lip with a bearskin.

You can even try mixing a message t-shirt with an animal mask, bringing 3 looks together.

But with a full stag head, you might want to balance it with the vulnerability of nudity.

Speaking of balancing revealing skin with tantalizingly covering it up, Cal keeps his excellent penis sheathed in what appears to be a paisley thong.

But before you go full Seventies, just ask yourself, Does this mustache really express me?

It’s important for vampires to always look their best, even when vacuuming the flat.

And always be prepared for fashion mishaps. Uh oh, looks like Viago got blood on his dandy suit. Some soda water and paper towels should get those stains out.



Or you could simply change into this embroidered distressed denim jacket while your clothes are in the wash.

There are a few Fashion Don'ts however...

Creepy ex-boyfriends who give you sexually transmitted hauntings are a definite fashion no no.

When wearing blood, it’s important to blend and remember to never overdo it, Montse. Why not borrow some club soda and paper towels from Viago and tone it down a bit.

Best to make sure that dressmaker’s dummy you’re using isn’t one of Montse’s victims.

An Indiana Jones hat and double tiaras are great accessories for any discerning film fan, but only if you have Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead with you at all times.

Of course we know who the real fashion Peeps Choi Award Winner is...

He might not have won Vanguard Blog Mascot, but he won our hearts with his adorable boxing gloves.

We hope this helps, and remember to use fashion responsibly because fashion is danger. We've seen a lot of decapitations this year, and we don't want to see any more.

(Hell yeah, there's a mix of Vanguard and Midnight Madness films in this because we're Vanguarders and we do what we want. Also, we love the Midnighteers and Maniacs over at the Midnight Madness blog. Films included: Spring; The Voices; Luna; The Editor; What We Do In The Shadows; The Duke of Burgundy; Goodnight, Mommy; Cub; They Have Escaped; Tusk; It Follows; and Shrew's Nest. Special thanks to the Tusk fans and Peter Kuplowsky for being good sports).

SPRING: Does Supernatural Love Work?

Ah, young and/or ancient love...

In the Vanguard program guide, Spring is described as "Before Sunrise with a supernatural twist in this tale of an American backpacker in Italy who falls in love with a beautiful young woman harbouring a dark, primordial secret."

And that love does certainly look nice in the picturesque still above. But I have said before that relationships with dead girls just don't work and so I'm a little concerned. Maybe she's not dead. Maybe she's not a vampire. After all ancient tomes and grimoires on vampirism don't mention anything about molting.

[The Vanguard Blog does have an extension collection of Dark and Infernal Books, Tomes, Grimoires and Codices dedicated to many subjects including vampirism, Ryan Reynolds and mole crickets ~The Editor]

Molting can be hard on a relationship

These vampires need napkins, but they're definitely not molting.

Though vampire David Bowie does seem to molt a bit in The Hunger and that didn't work out for him at all. He ended up in a box stored in Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon's attic.

Does not work out at all.

It's quite possible that the woman in Spring is some sort of natural spirit and there is something like a huldra situation going on. That did not go well in Thale, but as Christopher Walken says, you'd always know how someone with a tail felt.

She's feeling "disturbed while creepily reading about human anatomy."

Maybe the woman in Spring is some kind of veiny ghost who molts a little now and then. I mean I've seen the most beautiful ghost ladies have some issues.

This ghost lady is having several issues.

Or she could be a disturbing post-modern Galatea, a woman made as a gift for another, like the Bride. That one ends in a murder-suicide.

She's alive, alive--and dead two minutes later.

But it's possible that I'm too pessimistic about supernatural love. I mean, it worked out in The Ghost And Mrs. Muir. The widowed Mrs. Muir has a lovely life with her ghostly beloved whom only she can see.

It's not creeping if he's a ghost and not a vampire. Also, if he's Rex Harrison.

And Macarena Gómez' character in Dagon got her happily ever after despite her "dark, primordial secret." Sure, there were some rough patches on her road to happiness, but what relationship doesn't have those?

A rough patch.

See if it works out for those crazy kids (and that dead bird) when Spring premieres tonight!

SPRING screening times:
Fri., Sept 5th, 6:00 PM, BLOOR HOT DOCS CINEMA
Sun., Sept 7th 7:00 PM, SCOTIABANK 4
Sat., Sept 13th, 3:15 PM, SCOTIABANK 3

 Macarena Gómez without tentacles in SHREW'S NEST:

Thu., Sept. 4th, 8:45 PM, SCOTIABANK 2

Fri. Sept. 5th, 3:00 PM, BLOOR HOT DOCS CINEMA

Sun., Sept. 14th, 6:30 PM, TIFF BELL LIGHTBOX 2

And enjoy some non-molting vampires in WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS:
Fri. Sept. 12th, 11:59 PM, RYERSON
Sat. Sept. 13th, 9:30 PM, SCOTIABANK 12
Sun. Sept. 14th, 3:45 PM, SCOTIABANK  3